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Romantic Love and Attachment Styles

A person's attachment style starts forming from the day he was born, through his interaction with his caregiver (often his mother). From the crib to the grave, this is a biological system that governs our behavior in close relationships.

The Securely Attached Lovers

Based on over 200 romantic love attachment studies, it is estimated that about half of the people involved in love relationships are securely attached. These are the people that find it easy to get close to their lovers and are comfortable depending on them. They are not preoccupied by thoughts of being abandoned. Nor do they often worry about people getting too close to them. Characteristics of the secure attachment style include:

* More trusting
* Less lonely
* Tend to have long-term relationships
* Enjoy sex, especially with long-term partners
* High self-esteem and high regards for others
* Seeking social support when under stress
* Generous and supportive when lovers are under stress
* Self-disclose appropriately and like others to self-disclose
* Positive, optimistic, and constructive in interacting with others
* Likely to adopt parents' religion
* Relatively unafraid of death
* More creative and cognitively open following a positive mood induction

The Anxious / Ambivalent Lovers

Insecure attachment styles can be further divided into two or three categories. Around 20% of the people in relationships are what researchers call "Anxious/Ambivalent" lovers. These people often find themselves more eager to get very close to their lovers than their lovers do to them. While their primary complain is that their lovers seem unwilling to get as close as they hope for, their major worry is abandonment. The word "ambivalent" describes a frequent love-hate relationship. Other characteristics include:

* High breakup rate despite deep involvement
* Intense grieving following loss
* Unstable self-esteem combined with self-doubt
* Prefer being "cuddly" than actual sex
* Although like to work with others, often feel under-appreciated
* Views spouse as unsupportive
* Daydreams about success but often unable to sustain efforts
* Vulnerable to eating disorders
* Perceive parents as intrusive and unfair
* Tend to be emotional, especially when under stress
* Worry about rejection during daily interactions
* Have a tendency to self-disclose to every one and like others to disclose
* Jealous and untrusting
* Easily distracted by mood swings (even when it is positive)
* Preoccupied with personal relationships; can't turn thoughts away
* Hostility and anger
* More likely than other attachment styles to be overtaken by religious emotions
* Afraid of separation
* Afraid of death

The Avoidant Lovers

An estimated 25% of the people in romantic relationships do not feel comfortable being close to their partners. They do not allow themselves become relying on their partners and feel nervous when other people get too close to them. Characteristics of this attachment style include:

* Less invested in relationships
* Show less grief following loss
* During sex with a partner, fantasizes someone else
* More casual sex
* Prefers to work alone
* Workaholics as a way to avoid close relations
* Tend to recall parents as rejecting and rebuffing
* Tend to have experienced childhood trauma (e.g., abused, alcoholic parents)
* Withdraws from partner when partner or self is stressed
* Find social interactions boring and irrelevant
* Do not like self-disclosure by self and others
* Positive mood induction fails to increase their creativity
* Unable to remember relationships well
* Hostile/hateful when provoked
* More likely to be atheist/agnostic; "born again" religious experience during adolescence if mother was not religious
* Have death anxiety but tend not to reveal it directly

When observing people with the avoidant attachment style, psychologists have noticed a certain inconsistency across the group. For example, some avoidants have higher self-esteem than others and they are less dependent. Researchers call this type of avoidants the "dismissing avoidants". The other group, the "fearful avoidants", fail to bond with others often due to lack of self-confidence and fear of rejection, but not lack of conscious attachment desire.

Recently, new hypotheses have been formed to explain the differences between the "dismissing avoidants" and the "fearful avoidants". Some researchers suggest that these two sub-styles of avoidant attachment style share common early childhood roots but sex-role socialization may have contributed to their later divergence. Studies show that there are more male dismissing avoidants and more female fearful avoidants.

Oma tyylini on aika lähellä "dismissing avoidant" -tyyliä.